Breakthrough

Beloved friends, Snatam and Community,

I am so grateful for this 40 day practice of the Ray Man Shabad with you. It has been a true deepening. Especially the first weeks sometimes I even practised twice a day because I felt this deep call within.

The first two weeks I also loved our homework, reflecting on the truth and "my" truth, and then catching the burning flame of the mind ( taatee gaho), thoughts and emotions and be willing to bas kar kee - come into that silent soul space...mmm. I really took it seriously as a deep inquiry.

But then came (now I can see that this is the Chak chak rahay) the test, the spinning of the world around me and tested me. Last week I was restless, maybe hormones, maybe the new projects in our work...but I got so unmotivated... thoughts like: oh I am sitting here I should be doing this and that...I was even disappointed saying: why does the Shabad give ME the same nice calming effect as before. "Oh well, this is also over, the pink phase of the practice is gone. Oh well, I will go on practicing." Such feelings of indifference were present as well.

But the good news was, that I WAS AWARE of this whole experience, so I thought, mmmm what if I forget about my fluctuating spiritual experience and I just put my attention to this that is AWARE! I was just silently going on with the practice and gave up MY expectations of it. And this was such gentle PEACE.

The next day the restlessness in me escalated when I was in contact with someone who was hectic, and as a good sensitive nervous system I took that on, and at the end of that day even our website broke down. I contacted our IT guy who already mentioned how much it will cost...oh my, I thought, oh what did I do wrong?...all kinds of thoughts around it came up- the spinning...But again I decided to stop. I will not beat myself up! This whole spinning does not matter, it is not a survival issue now.

It was late in the night when I was still sending emails to our IT man, and I thought oh, God, I still have to do my daily practice.

YES of course I will do it, my intention for this 40 day is strong, I stay with it. I said, okay I am tired so I will just do something short: sing with Snatam and then I will sing and meditate with Wahe Guru with my hands on my heart.

What a breakthrough! I was in tears with gentle love. As Snatam said: Ughatai Taan Tarang...waves were coming through me, and I remembered Guru Gobind Singh with the next line: But do not stop there. First I felt this extatic love and trust in the divine, I even saw our IT guy as the divine, the whole financial stuff and worry went away...I even got excited and curious how life will unfold....Then waves of gratitude.

And I was sitting for about another 15 minutes in total silence...with the deep longing: I only want to stay here as silence. I am in love with this silence and it is calling me even deeper now with practising the Shabad.

And this week as Snatam mentioned instead of spinning with the outside, let us spin more into the inside. Exactly this is what I felt.

I am in total bow in front of this Shabad, this holy practice.

Another wonder for me: I would have never thought that I would land here practicing. Since I met my teacher Gangaji 20 years ago I had deep experiences of myself as silence, experiencing the I as non-existent. But since I heard or misheard you do not need practice, (or as Ramana Maharshi pointed), I thought I did not need a regular practice. Yes, ultimately I do not need practice, I am always That. And yet we all do. Daily life came back, my depressed mum, my old patterns, ptsd whatever, and I was crying out for help. And then on the way I realized how much the old practices need to be honored, the yoga...connection. It has been such a support yoga and now Kundalini Yoga and Mantra. My life is calmer, it supports "me" to integrate insights and wisdom on all levels of my life. It is more like: it is being integrated by itself, this practice rather helps me to surrender, to get out of the way.

I am humbled.

I am so grateful to be here.

Sat Nam

Adrienn