Reflection on Bhand Jammee-ai Bhand Nimmee-ai

My reason for expressing the wish for this Shabad was that I see them (like Yoga Kriyas as well) as kind of medicine for the soul first and than an experience at a in-person-Gurdwara at the Guru Ram Das Ashram & Yoga Center Jiwan Mukta, founded by Siri Kartar Kaur, here in Boizenburg. That´s in Germany in Mecklenburg-Vorpommern, near Hamburg. We were coming together for the birthday of a woman in our community last November.

It was the first gathering together for myself and some others as well since a long time. Some of our spiritual men whrere there, some others were not...

Singing together was possible as well as having Langar and eating together, but than two of our experienced (by ther long time on earth) men left an I watched and felt myself and other women who live here for quite some time falling back in old "roles" really soon, combined with some new behaviour through the experiences in the past years of the current evolution.

I was happy to get out there soon and meet my very special (male) friend and some others as well to enjoy a beautiful sunny autumn day with an event to fly kites.

Before I met my friend last year I thougt a friendship between women and men isn´t possible. With him I learn it is possible. Our souls know each other since a long time and eventhough we know each in this lifetime that close less than a year I experience more together with him than it fits in one life. At least that´s like it feels sometimes for myself. A lot of joy and fun and peace as well as some challenges by the experiences of our inner children at a young age (getting softer now - Shabad magic❣️). A lot of growing and healing happens right now with each other. I am grateful for everything we learn together. As human beings we all have female and male energies in our bodys. That makes it possible to really understand each other in all our differences as well...

This Shabad brings me to reflect on my view on women that was formed at a young age (lines So Kio... and Bhand Hee relate). In the time between 4 and 11 years I lived together with my mother and grandmother, the mother of my father, in the same house. Until my grandma died.

I feel something really old is willing to leave now. And I feel compassion and forgiveness for past experiences.

Who are (or were) they? What formed ther life and behaviour? Since that behaviour formed my behaviour as well. It´s a kind of generation learning.

My grandma was born 1903 as a daughter of a rich farmer but had to leave when she got pregnant with her oldest daughter - without being married. Than she married my grandfather and had four more children with him as well. My father was the last of her 5 children.

My mother was born 1948 as fourth of seven children of my grandparents. Sie was married one time and divorced when she met my father. And she waited with marrying my father since she wanted to see (and feel) how he reacts with me.

Like that now I was the child coming to parents who weren´t married...

A lot of memory about my grandma comes back now. I found her as a child in her room after peacefully dying in her bed.

The second time I met the big teacher this lifetime of every human being: the death. After almost dying myself in the first 40 days of life.

My mom had a happy and relaxed pregnancy with me and I was born with the sound of music around since the nurses in the hospital in Hamburg walked around there playing guitars, like she told me.

How fearful this rocky star into my life has been for her? Shortly after this stomach surgery I had (at the last second) my parents married and my mom got soon pregnant again.

This time she had a difficult pregnancy without talking about it more than she had to lay down a long time.

By that time an aunt and uncle visited my grandma who lived close to the little town where we lived. The decision was made that I, a little older than one year by that time (14 month) should go to live with my extendet family of aunt and uncle and their two a lot older daughters and two sons - there it was the oldest son who was born before my aunt met my uncle later (- family history, I recognise that now while writing it). How was it for my mom to let me go with them around 400 km away from her? And worying for her second child all the time? I stayed there around 4 month.

I feel she was happy that I was surrounded by family and missed me as well. A few month after the birth of my brother, when I was back we were both baptized together with the aunt where I lived in Düsseldorf becoming my godmother. And that brings me back to my grandma, who was very religious.

When my parents build a house she got a room there and moved to us in the same small village where she lived before and where my father grew up. My mom still lives in that house.

About my grandma and living with her I remember more and more. I liked to be with her in her room and play card games as well as visiting her two close women friends together - when I weren´t meeting my own children friends 😉... and she taught me to pray. Christian children´s prayer. I also went to church with her and my father. My mom isn´t religous, but spiritual. She told me once she doesn´t believes in rebirth, but knows she lived in Italy once in one and the same sentence.

After the death of my grandma I moved into her room in the house since I wanted to be somehow close to her. Lately I watched movies about world war 1 since I wanted to know more about the time wehn she was young („1917“ was the first and „Birdsong“ the second). By the time she lived with us I felt happy, safe and surrounded by a lot of love. And of course there were challenges as well, when my parents argued. Or my father got drunk with alcohol. Only sometimes – really rare, but than heavy. I remember a few times when he lied uncouncious on the bathroom floor as well as him getting really ugly to my mom than by telling her she can´t do anything „right“. I hated when he did that and felt helpless and sad.

But now it´s time to forgive and let go all guild and being a loving inner parent for my inner child, knowing that time is over and remembering all beautiful moments with him as well and have compassion for the beauty of his soul. Knowing he did the best he could at his lifetime on earth (he died 2014).

That relates to So Ki-o Mandaa Aakhee-ai Jit Jammeh Raajaan (So why call her bad? From her, kings are born) for myself. With my brother being the king of this line. May all men see themselves as the kings, or princes or lions (if they like that more) they all are.

Myself and all other women, born by a mother, another woman, I see in the next line Bandhaho Hee Bhand Oopajai Bhandai Baajh Na Ko-i (From woman, woman is born; without woman,there would be no world at all). May we see ourselfes as the queens, princesses or lioness that we all are in our beauty.

The world only exists through the beautiful combination of women AND men.

And now my soul is finally ready to let my grandmother go like my father before with gratitude for all the experiences together.

About my mom and her life with my grandmother, I feel she was happy to have her around with two children close to age on one hand, but on the other hand they came from different generations and needed to learn to get along and communicate with each other. And after a while my mother took care of her when sie couldn´t really help herself anymore. And I feel this was a challenge sometimes. For both.

My mom and I had two moments with each other, the first in my really early childhood, shortly after coming back from aunt and uncle. And another one shortly after my grandma died when she somehow „forgot“ herself. I had a really hard time to forgive her this two momens. But now I really open my heart to her again, let go and forgive it. By finally seeing the „big picture“ behind the situations and being able to be fully compassionate to her now, since I take full responsibility by myself for my inner child as grown up inner loving mother. And supported by the magic of this beautiful Shabad energy.

About two lines I needed a little longer to think about, until I think I understand now. The word by word translation of Bhandhaho Chalai Raaho is to walk the path since chalai is walk and path is raaho, while the english translation is through woman the future generations come. I see this as kind of poetic translation and something combined together: only when man and woman walk the path together (how long ever), the future generations come.

The other line was Naanak Bhandai Baaharaa Ayko Sachaa So-i. O Nanak, the only one without a woman is the One True Lord. The soul-core I see genderless and at the same time it lives in each and every heart of a physical body, that has a gender identity as woman or man, or sometimes something mixed for some people.

The whole Shabad: Now it´s finally time to release all my female AND male role models from guild and responsibility (and the generations before them as well) for past actions and being a really loving and caring inner parent for my beloved inner child (in it´s different ages) by myself... Treating myself with the same love and respect, that I have for other beings.

How do I support myself in this time of deep healing of my first and second chakra and my nervous system?

✅ By finally learning to relax and calm down.

☑️ Through honouring that some things happend in my childhood and now finally being able to let them go.

✅Supporting my inner child through children´s yoga kriyas for Sadhana in the morning to bring the beginning joy and magic back, that got a little lost through the Yoga teacher trainings and all the knowledge there. Coming back to feel the energy. That´s for the first Chakra. As well as eating favourite meals I had as a child – even while including eggs in January and fish now (knowing the 10 eggs I had than were enough for this year, maybe forever?) and eating everything councious and enjoying the taste – learning it step by step, relating to the second Chakra as well.

☑️ That belongs to something that includes the third Chakra as well: radical self-allowance, getting to know by my special male friend Sascha. Here: allowing myself first to eat fish and eggs and than allowing to let it go again as well..

And still cooking yogic as well to stay flexible and dogma-free.

Through a Smartphone-“diet“ now, having it simply switched off a few weeks ago. How long? A yogic period of time. Right now I really enjoy the beautiful electronical silence. Being in personal contact with friends and the people who live here in Boizenburg as well as writing by hand, here and with other friends and my family, who live on other places. And still being online with my computer for a limited time.

✅ Another self-care ist having my physical body in a constant weekly in-person-movement (with rare exceptions) in the beautiful energy of a women´s sport group on Monday´s in an elementary school gym here with a lot of women 💚. I love that day! And online Yoga & Meditation with Snatam almost every Wednesday this Winter I love as well. Having the number 5 – the physical body as soul number, I need a lot of movement as well as learning to relax at the same time. Finding the balance is the key...

☑️ On the Harmonium I love to play whenever I feel the flow to let joy grow, which is often. Almost every day... And playing Harmonium as well in the Guru Ram Das Ashram here I talked about in the beginning on Sadhanas I offer there one fix day near weekend weekly – with exceptions sometimes ;-) - in a mixture I love for its spontaneity: sometimes being there all by myself and sometimes in groups with others. Playing one or both Aquarian Chants I know how to play and being with others there making music as well.

✅ Now it´s time to share some gratitude. I am grateful for my mom recognizing the joy writing brings for myself and supporting that by giving me my first diary when I was eleven. With writing it´s for me like other creativity on the Harmonium or other Instrumens and painting as well. It´s possible when it flows free... and not when I „have“ to do it.

What´s next on writing? Maybe publishing a book I wrote (by hand) while living and teaching Yoga in Bali. A few friends here already read it. Here I am grateful for Siri Kartar Kaur here, who gave me the golden book I used to write in while being in Bali.

And I am grateful for Snatam and Sopurkh for founding this school with all it´s possibilities and Prabhu Nam Kaur for sharing her Shabad wisdom with all of us. To Nirankar Kaur I am grateful to inspire me to search for new thoughts for some old (or sometimes actual) things.

Sat Naam Caro Sahej Dhyan Kaur